Tag: ritual

Lost

So I think to myself when I’m trying not to, and it happens more often than I would like to think to myself, but nonetheless I keep thinking.

I keep wondering where I went wrong. Not sympathetically, but hypothetically, what the hell happened.

Everything is different but it’s kind of the same that I thought it would be, but I never thought it would be anything and it’s not.

So where do we go from here? I mean, where are we going. Which way are we going to take next turn? Are we headed for a sunrise or a sunset? Does it matter to you, it doesn’t but maybe when you grow up, my words will mean something to you.

Maybe so; maybe not.

I wonder what would have happened if we were together. I try not to think about you, but your are always going to be right there, in my way and in every other thought, every other day.

Perhaps if I could turn days into triplets, then quartets, then maybe jazz—non-conformist chaos coming going far away, like the times and the lost days.

“Where are you anyway?

I can’t find you anywhere!” – “Lost” song by me.

Lyrics to Luck and Trouble (2010) by Wendy Clark

blue

i keep on falling for you, as you creep beside the moonlight

if i could not speak, would you tell me what to say?

you shine the bluest eyes and the dusk retreats to twilight

i don’t mind my misconstructions smiling as you let them ricochet

i’m in love with this afternoon

how good it is – right here with you

then time stands still in this empty room

but how good it feels – to be with you

i readjust my gaze as you realign my eyesight

i woke up running too soon under the milky way

i’m joyous every evening as you pull back the daylight

i scramble to the calendar and plead again for saturday

i don’t take for granted that you have mistaken me for stranded

as you take my cigarette and hallucinate my greed

i beg you to not imply why this is where we’ve landed

as we’ve long stopped complicating who should take or who should receive

i’m in love with this afternoon

how good it is – right here with you

then time stands still in this empty room

but how good it feels – to be with you

actual size
it’s got a big red face that comes up clear
a two-tone ride that runs on fear
a bolt-on shimmy that hums in space
and a brand new suit that’s going to waste
a brand new suit that’s going to waste

it’s got throw-back padding that’s stapled down
a pinched-up liner that’s wrapped for sound
a cold blank stare whenever i talk

and thirteen names for the way i walk
thirteen names for the way i walk

and i want you to sew it shut
before it wakes me up
you won’t recognize

the fifteen seconds i close my eyes

and i’m drunk now that you won’t be actual size

it comes when everyone goes to sleep
the little red monster you let me keep
it starts real small, unfolds its legs

then i feel heat on the back of my head

feel heat on the back of my head
i want you right here
when it burns up the atmosphere

wrap me steeling tight

unhook your jaws and cover my eyes
and i’m drunk now that you won’t be actual size
now that you won’t be
now that you won’t be
now that you won’t be

so surprised
 

luck and trouble                                                                     

i thought a shot another man in texas

i thought about the ones in tennessee

what’s the use in doing so much thinking?

when all i do is think of you and me

forecast on the frontier of your future

damn, these cigarettes are tastin’ sweet

what’s the point in doing so much coca-iane?

when all you do is run away from me

but – you were on my mind

cutie-pie – all of the time

but i never thought you’d leave me

in the space you left behind

once upon a time or two in tulsa

the satellite sank into the sea

what’s the use of having all this luck

when trouble stays up late waiting for me

but – you were on my mind

cutie-pie – all of the time

but i never thought you’d leave me

in the space you left behind

and so this anecdote is almost over

the lesson learned is a likely theme

what’s the upshot luck just to fall back down

then to get back up just to fall back down

when the story ends right here for you and me 

but – you were on my mind

cutie-pie – all of the time

but i never thought you’d leave me

in the space you left behind

consequence

did you forget my name?
i notice everything hasn’t changed
did you forget my words

or were they tangled in my obscurity?

i cleared away the residue

anything and everything that happened to do with you

but honey i still stumble and shake

every time that i see you

if you could read my mind

you’d see my love is totally blind

if you could know what i mean

if you looked at me like there was no body else to see

i cleared away the residue

anything and everything i’m prone to misconstrue

but honey i still stumble and shake

every time that i see you

if i could be the one you wanted

then i could be the one you wanted

all of the time

baby, don’t look now

because we still haven’t figured it out

honey, nothing never, ever gets past you

and i am beginning to wonder now if i even want it to

i pulled myself together again

fell back as the story goes, the consequences never end

but honey i still crumble and quake

every time that i see you

if i could be the one you wanted
i could be the one you wanted

all of the time
if i could be the one you wanted
i could be the one you wanted

all of the time
 

distance

take everything you’ve learned so far and throw it all away
i would have told you long ago but you’re nine time zones astray

your lack of concern concerns me, but i think i’m doing fine

ambition doth escape me and i’m dying to make it mine

traffic here on sunday is much worse than you’d expect

waiting at a stoplight lets you sit there and reflect

keep your eye on the canvas; tell me what do you see?

take what you can get – you know that never bothered me

what more can i say to you to make a difference?

each step closer to you, i can feel the distance

stretched out on the grass i count the ways you wrecked my life

cut my dreams right down the seams with that jaded, rusty knife

waited in your driveway, in that old abandoned car

started home at sunset but i didn’t get too far

what more can i say to you to make a difference?

each step closer to you, i can feel the distance

home
up beyond these big lights in the miniature town

up over the hills – and the nights which allow

you were the only one and you were the only one

and i stood in the yard – smiled at the sun

way beyond these empty bottles in this place we call home

up over hills we still may roam

you were the only, the only, the only

i tell you i’m lonely, – lonely, i’m lonely

but i want to go home

i want to go home

because i don’t have anywhere left to go

up beyond these big lights in this mediocre town

up over the hills and the nights which allow

you were the only one when you weren’t the only one

stood in the yard – tied down the sun

way beyond these empty bottles in this place we call home

up over the hills we still may roam

you were the only, the only, the only

i tell you i’m lonely, lonely, i’m lonely

but i want to go home

i want to go home

because i don’t have anywhere left to go

i want to go home

i want to go home

because i don’t have anywhere left to go

up beyond these big lights in this mediocre town

up over the hills and the nights which allow

you were the only one when you weren’t the only one

i stood in the yard – tied down the sun

way beyond these empty bottles in this place we call home

up over the hills we still may roam

you were the only, the only, the only

i tell you i’m lonely, lonely, i’m lonely

but i want to go home

i want to go home

because i don’t have anywhere left to go

i want to go home

i want to go home

because i don’t have anywhere left to go

la carta

there was a time in the back of my mind

when i threw in the virtual towel, you said

with a scowl and my meds, it was all in my head

and i had every reason to smile once again 

so i wrote down the words

’cause i needed to rehearse

and i left you a note on your microphone  

often these lines in the back of my mind

rotate themselves into a blockade, you know

as you come and you go, it’s so easy to show

that it’s just that easy to care once again 

so i walked down the stairs

’cause i needed repairs

and i left you a note on your microphone

i don’t care if you write me a letter

i don’t care if you play me a brand new song

what’s the point in dancing all night

if you don’t got no rhythm? 

often the time as it creeps down my spine

as it seeps through the ceilings and it knocks down all the doors

as you come and you go, it’s so easy to show

that it’s simply that easy to care once again 

so i made a list of the pros and cons

and i waited so anxiously for your response 

i don’t care if you write me a letter

i don’t care if you play me a brand new song

what’s use in blaming yourself

when i haven’t done anything wrong? 

i don’t care if you write me a letter

i don’t care if you play me a brand new song

what’s the use in writing the verse

when the words are all written wrong?

i don’t care if you write me a letter

i don’t care if you play me a brand new song

how many times have you believed yourself

when you know that everything’s wrong?

wrong

you’ve been acting kind of strange like you really just don’t care

you said you’d meet me at the pub then you never showed up there

i tried to call your house – a strange voice always answers the phone

whenever i go out on a date i find i’m all alone

well i don’t really know why i’ve been waiting for so long

all i wanna know is what did i do wrong

i got home the other night, found all my cds smashed it bits

i figured it was just another one of your epileptic fits

went into my closet, found that half my clothes were burned

matches on your bed stand baby, by now i should have learned

well i don’t really know why i’ve been waiting for so long

all i wanna know is what did i do wrong

what can i say to you to make you understand

what can i ask of you to make a reprimand

so you tell me i’m no good, and you don’t care anymore

so now i’m trying to figure out what the hell i’m with you forgiveness

well i don’t really know why i’ve been waiting for so long

all i wanna know is what did i do wrong

all i wanna know is what did i do wrong

all i wanna know is what did i do wrong

Lyrics to “Alien-American” by Tequila Mockingbird (2004)

From the Tequila Mockingbird sophomore release, hear/here are the words. Lifted from my band’s website.

Again (3:38) so what do you think it means the weather’s changed  and how is your head well it’s prearranged and  what are your thoughts on the politics around here  well shit the optimism just fades too fast  and i’m the first in line still you toss me back  and i think it’s getting way too crowded in your head for me  but what do think it takes to say goodbye  when all i really gotta do  is open up my eyes  i’m falling again  so what do you think it means  that nothings changed  and all the furniture has been rearranged  and what are your thoughts on the spatiality  damn this pessimism just stays around  and if i am up then you kick me down  and i think it’s getting too crowded in your room for me  but what do think it takes to say goodbye  when all i really gotta do  is open up my eyes  i’m falling again  so when’d it go to hell and everything change  because nothing here’s ever felt so strange and what are your thoughts on the bygones forsaken around here  damn this optimism just was almost gone but still you come around and baby it’s never for long  and it’s getting way too empty in your world for me  but what do think it takes to say goodbye  when all i really gotta do  is open up my eyes  i’m falling again 

Cashed (2:45) it’s exactly like i imagined  you never tell me what i want to hear  it’s exactly like i thought it would be  trapped inside my mind with all these things i fear  beyond the mountains and the techno  without the everybody ever known  at last you realized but far too late  someone took your brain and turned your heart to stone  ‘cause i can’t get in to anything  i can’t see out of this end i’m in and i end up where i’m supposed to begin  the line i walk is far too thin  i want to be your anti-hero  never do you right but always true  i want to be your less than zero  i want to know what you think about you and me and me and you  ‘cause i can’t get into anything  i can’t see out of this end i’m in  and i end up where i’m supposed to begin  the line i walk is far too thin 

UFO Intro (:23)

UFO (4:24) you always seemed light years away  but i didn’t think that you would really leave that day  this solar system has its ups and its downs  and life on venus ain’t as cool as it sounds  i can see clearly most of the time  but honestly i swear i never saw the signs  didn’t believe me when i said things could be worse  than to be stuck here in this universe  you said goodbye and then you headed for the hills  you sold my car and stranded me with all the bills  you left me for a ufo  why’d you have to go  i sit alone and stare at your moon rocks and cry  can’t bear to watch star trek ‘cause it makes me wonder why i’m gonna build a rocket i’m gonna hope that it will fly  maybe someday i’ll see you again in the stars above the sky  gonna save my money and buy a radio tracking station  gonna try my luck at newton’s law of gravitation  you left me for a ufo  why’d you have to go  you said goodbye and then you headed for the hills  you stole my car and stranded me your all the bills  you left me for a ufo  why’d you have to go  you said goodbye and then you headed for the hills  you stole my car and stranded me with all your bills  you left me for a ufo  why’d you have to go 

The Honeymoon (3:29) the honeymoon’s not the same without you  but i’m remaining optimistic  my love just ain’t the same without you  but i probably won’t be coming home it’s true  but it’s alright  yeah it’s alright  never could write a love song about you  without it sounding too sarcastic  used to think the world about you but my universe is so elastic  but it’s alright  yeah it’s alright  the sun-bleached sand where we used to stay  i want to move so far away  we would dwell here  most each and every day  i want to move so far away  those vacations we would take without you  i once believed were so fantastic  thought i touched the heart inside you  found that it was made of plastic  but it’s alright yeah it’s alright the sun-bleached sand where we used to stay  i want to move so far away  we would dwell here  almost each and every day  i want to move so far away  it’s not a pretty picture  but i needed to get a shot  i tried to write our story  without a broken plot  the honeymoon’s not the same without you  but i’m remaining optimistic  my love just ain’t the same without you  but i probably won’t be coming home it’s true  but it’s alright yeah it’s alright  the sun-bleached sand where we used to stay  i want to move so far away  we would dwell here  most each and every day  i want to move so far away  so far away so far away so far away 

Sometimes I Think (3:00) well i took the clock i took the lamp i took the fertilizer  i locked the doors i poured the gas i lit the match  i took the oath i bowed my head i breathed the fumes  but you took my car you headed west and you were gone  well freedom rang through my ears and choked back acidic tears  i tossed away the hopes and the money and the years  i was reborn i went to church i sought a rock where i could perch  i was gonna get it if it didn’t beat me to it first  i spiked the punch i punched my glass i blew a 3.0  i locked the doors i hit the gas i ran that light  i slept in jail i called for bail then i got out but you took my car you headed south and you were gone  so now i’m growing up and getting older  and sometimes they say i’ve gotten colder  around here i’m an anti-contender  and i live near the park in a four-plex in uptown denver  well sometimes i bleed from too much drinkin’  and sometimes i have just too much fun  and sometimes i think about you baby  if sometimes into you i’ll ever run… 

Catching On (the stupid song) (5:36) well i’m finally catching on  yeah i’m beginning to apprehend  and i’m seeing it all so crystal clear  that this surely ain’t no means to no end  and i’m pulling out all the stops  and i’m shaking here in the absolved  and i’m dismayed at the failure i am  it seems my car ain’t the only thing that’s stalled  you’re so stupid how you could have been so dumb  i was wondering that myself  you’re so stupid how you could have been so wrong  i was wondering that  i was wondering that myself  well i’m figuring the “what went bad”  and i’m reckoning the reasons why  because i’m sure that it can’t be me  as i know i stand much bigger than my size  sometimes i notice i’m way off the target  occasionally i see i’m stuck in the trough  whatever the matter i’m keen to the coolness  so all you had to do was tell me to back off  you’re so stupid how you could have been so wrong i was wondering that myself  you’re so stupid  how you could have been so dumb  i was wondering that  i was wondering that myself  well i’m finally catching on  yeah i’m beginning to apprehend  and i’m seeing it all so crystal clear  that this surely ain’t no means to no end  you’re so stupid how you could have been so dumb  i was wondering that myself  i’m so stupid how’ve  i could have been so wrong  i was wondering that  i was wondering that myself

Shades of Grey (4:48) i thought you were right there in the crowd  so i pondered these things to you aloud  i thought you were right there in my sight  i was sure i knew my day for night  i thought i hold you in my hands  so i ran and vanished in your lands  i thought you were right there in my wake  but once again that’s my mistake  been breaking down myself over you  when i noticed you had better things to do  you stole all my friends away  i didn’t need ‘em anyway  i’m really not myself today  the blue and black fade into grey  i thought i was almost finally there  till you came and caught me unaware i thought i was on the chosen path  now looking back that’s such a laugh  i’m a little more stupid than i look  i couldn’t give you more than you’ve already took  you stole all my friends away  i didn’t need ‘em anyway  i’m really not myself today  the blue and black fade into grey  and maybe you’ll be all alone when i’ve broken everything i own  tangled in the elements i’ve torn  but you’ve seen me far worse off before been breaking down myself over you  when i noticed you had better things to do  you stole all my friends away  i didn’t need ‘em anyway  i’m really not myself today  the blue and black fade into grey

Couldn’t Anything (3:37) i couldn’t think of anything to do so i gathered my pens and wrote a letter to you  it said baby don’t free your thoughts of me just yet  i ran down the block and crashed into your sister  i asked for your number  she said it wasn’t listed  she said maybe you should spend some time thinking ‘bout what you’ve done  well i don’t want to think about the things i don’t remember  and i don’t want to consider where i could have been if i hadn’t ever  i couldn’t think of a way to respond  so i went to your house by the church near the pond  and tapped on your door and sang my song so resolutely baby  i could see in the window you were watching the game  and suddenly i started to feel pretty lame  mama always told me to turn back when your reaction is insane  but i won’t go on and on about the things i don’t remember  it’s never crucial anyway to these predicaments i render  i couldn’t think of a damn thing to write  so i went to the kitchen and poured a whiskey and sprite  poured gasoline on the candles you gave me and watched them burn  i called up your house and got the machine  i looked at your letter at the spaces between  what it said and what the hell did it mean  now i don’t know what i did to upset you  i can’t even recall when i ever met you  and everyone has told me think hard about my conduct being true  so i wracked my thoughts for an hour or two  and i realized what i said to you  that night i blew from town i said “i’m probably not coming back for you”  but i won’t go on and on about the things i don’t remember  i know i’m only limited to what i want to see 

Featured

My first fictional photo blog

Really?

That rainbow was spectacular but I can’t trade it in for a new watch.

Radioactivity.

The view from my back porch.

Wendy and Chris and Kate and Andy at the Monkey Barrel

Edited with a foreground enhancer.

This was a moment in time.

Clearly forgot the words.

Ai set up.
Art at the park.
Tree of the day.
And Mazey.

Let’s Get Metaphysical

Featured

(Old post revived — “After Reading John Dewey”)

I notice a mahogany scent, pleasant and pleasing, and I remind myself to assert my energy forth behind the shades of the autumn semi-sunlight. The evening falls and twilight breaks even, dealing me that ambiguous forgetfulness of my inadvertent existence; how often the blur of fantasy and judgment of my own character ultimately punctures all possibilities.

If we are to maintain hope in the wake of our individual personal and philosophic crises, perhaps we must consider the fortresses of conscious choice that we build to protect ourselves from hopelessness may need to be surrendered. Every belief holds a mystery and devotion, but deliverance from faith is simplicity and creative surrender.

Hope and desire are self-preserving energies which protect us; we long for something to heal us in the darkness of our self-deprecation and the burdens of hopelessness. We defend our small territory of sanity and we trust that our steadfast faith will conquer all. But the spiritual straight-jacket of this quest for absolute hope dangerously distances us from the dimension of personal creativity. We cannot shove hope down other’s throats, we can, however, realize unique freedom of love and creativity, and we can find a balance and act with our heart as much as we can move with our mind.

Are you okay?

Cool it on down before you spout that question to someone, especially when used to intentionally interrupt a conversation—what ever you may think, the receiving end of that question is not going to feel good about everything.

Don’t be silly. Just don’t be silly and everything will fall into place. If you’re not surely then no one else will be silly and the need to be silly won’t arise. We proved that that does not work because silliness is the essence of our existence and it is pure and it is constant. You can’t control yourself. The sillies will get you when you are with people who have invented the sillies for you.

The disappointment in your voice is not unrecognized and the look on your face and your body language is loud and clear.

But asking me if I’m okay was rude and I didn’t stick up for myself; I can be silly and be okay. I can be better than ever if this is your way of attacking me. I can be better because you have a direct impact on making me feel the worst I have known.

Don’t do that to people. I assure you I will tell you if I am not okay, and if the planets were recognized as carnivores and the fires were silent, Gumby may have never existed. Believe me, I have counted at least a thousand pronouns today.

You Blew It

When the crap goes bust and what you had going on for you one moment is relatively precious or fragile in the time and condition of the situation, as you step back and it comes crashing forward maybe because you simply lost control, or you never had it anyway. Not to begin with. Laugh it off and yes go ahead and hope for the best.

I always hope for the best unless I’m hoping for adequate—or survival. Or more money. If I had enough money to get by right now, you can take the best and get on out of here; we are going for good enough today.

Let’s get though tomorrow because I will be wondering how I got myself in a lifelong puzzle with gummy bears, singing scallops, delusions, and people who have just enough to control an important speck in your life that musters up so many mistakes made that he reminds you of; he knows it too.

As Jeff would say, think happy thoughts. Maybe it’s that simple.

Maybe you didn’t blow it. Maybe we’re at our best when we’re at our worst sometimes.

We need better riddles.

Omega

The last flash of light I remember was the second time I thought of the first time I would remember the final flare, and who have thought I would have absorbed any light whatsoever, wearing the sun-stained black that was on my person when I moved forward that morning, and when I moved backwards, it all vanished. I was sleeping when the fire engulfed your father’s yacht; I could prove that because it was four o’clock in the morning and I was in the Wakkahellaudoon Municipal Detention Center – and your father his very self bailed me out at 6am, and although he didn’t smell like gasoline, he was wearing a floral patterned yellow dress that was much to small for him, but I sure didn’t say nothing. After all, he was kind enough to pay my overdue fine for my initial arrest which occurred when I was caught lead-handed so to speak – emptying all the lead and ink cartridges out of their rightful mechanical pens and pencils – needless to say, this resulted in much displeasure from the students and faculty and especially the maintenance gentleman who had to use various erasers throughout our institution in order to remove the thousands of lines that were dragged through the halls, offices, classrooms, stairs, sidewalks, linoleums, carpets, tiles, and the blueprint–

Or the sketch, I suppose you could call it, but in other’s perception, if it is to be perceived, drew a plan, and then a fabrication of a plan and it stamped itself ARROGANCE and when the construction was obviously an end in itself, before the erasing and way prior to the shock and fury, but simultaneously to the end of what should have been the beginning of the highest elation, the ground came rushing up to my eyes at the same instant that I fell to that pavement where I remained for many moments: how many I can’t say because I had no wristwatch and as I turned my head ever so angled to the right of my otherwise very firmly planted body that I certainly felt not like moving with the exception of my neck and eyes and only then to get the time of day from a shopper or a businessman or a businesswoman, or a salesperson on their way to sell stuff, or an elderly person who actually tried to help but had another appointment to tend to, or a cat, or a leaf, or maybe just myself – after all, who was painting this audio visual performance art anyway?

This is the Art of Performance Rhetoric. This is not.
You have every talent in the world and you make words an omega. You make sentences sing. Why the fuck can’t you talk? Why the fuck haven’t you figured out what failure is?

Answering the question which is posed by the person who knows nothing of the thousands of titles, the millions of agonising scriptures, the brooding over the same sentences you celebrate, the tense of the tensed and the lens of every color of every eye, all resounding that is loud and soft and active and not-so-much, the middles and endings and endnotes and footnotes and prefaces and preludes and postscripts and addendums and afterthoughts and annotations and additions and adjuncts and supplements, narratives, and the words lost; the other side of the words unwritten – the other side of the mirror some of The English Elders and may reference the unrecognizable.

Summer Friends

Summer Friends! We are a bit behind on posting gigs because we are consumed with writing and cheese. More to come and or please visit wendyclarkband.com.
On Songkick: Wendy Clark Band tour dates

Wendy Clark Band and Tequila Mockingbird at Gennaro’s Cafe Italiano (17 Jul 21)
Gennaro’s Cafe Italiano
2598 S Broadway
Denver, CO 80210
JOIN US for music, drinks, dinner, more drinks … at the G-SPOT!
21+
Shirt, Shoes, Socks req.
9pm – close for Wendy’s Birthday!

To be expounded…