The weather inside was as bad as it was outside. I found the last of the coffee and set a pot on the stove to brew. I could hear the wind in the windows seeping into the living room and I sat in the old oak rocking chair and waited.
I raised my tired eyes to my dangling bangs. Mom told me to get a hair cut before the funeral but the consequences never crossed my mind. The mirror was behind me, so I stood up and watched myself carefully. I used to trust mirrors until I saw other people’s reflections in them. Everyone trusts that the mirror reflects the image one sees, but not me – not anymore. Episodes of false intent made my heart pulse sickeningly and reminders of the images long gone were not to be tangled.
How can you validate/verify/trust your existence?
First of all, you must admit that you are going mad. Loco. Insane in the membrane. You must shatter that mirror, stomp on your shadow, suck helium from an innocent child’s birthday balloon, where your bra or underwear outside of your clothes, drive your truck from the backseat, eat bugs, smile all the time even though your face hurts and your friends have written you off, read the paper upside down, chant in squeaky one-syllable throaty grunts, declare your royalty to your friends and enemies – you can probably conjure many more extreme monsters than you want to think about.
Shall I stop here?
Consider this story.
(Remember – if you are trying to find yourself, don’t do it here.)
Something was missing.
I untangled the telephone cord from my arm and I watched the distorted reflection of myself in the glass of the China cabinet; my eyes glazed over and my lips curled dryly against my teeth, possibly as an expression of suspicious hesitation. I glared at the mouthpiece of the phone and realized I was nodding my head as if I might be acknowledging the end of all calls – forever and ever, amen. Blinking hard, deliberately, and knowing my lack of focus would be nonexistent if I had slept longer – or gone to bed earlier – or could decide if I was a night person or a morning person – or neither, I instantly changed my mind again. I would never make another clear decision as long as I should live. That was a stupid decision, you are thinking, for a person who, only a few words ago, declared she would never make another decision. Pensive and perplexed, I knew something was missing.
My mom told me that my writing often started with the pronoun “I” and I considered this her way of telling me that I was a narcissist. But I am not.
I may be a narcissist but at least I am writing in first person. Pronouns are nouns of perspective. They also help one to not repeat the nouns they represent. AND writing in second or third person would be ….. nevermind. Wendy is not finished here. Pronouns versus antinouns.
Back to my anti-story.
Something was missing. I slid away from my claustrophobic non-reaction and I started all over again.
Do you remember the day you finally called me back and forgot to tell me how you finally remembered why you forgot the reasons which caused you to forget to call me earlier?
I don’t recall reminding you to rehash your reasons. You were too much to take and I wouldn’t take much more than you had to give because I am forever broken with inhibition. You are too much for me to absorb and too much to take and how much I wouldn’t take than a few more of your giving me that much more passion of the lack of what I didn’t miss in on the out.
This ain’t no story. This ain’t no goddamn coffee house. This ain’t you and it ain’t me.
This is not your favorite summer. The smile of the patio furniture and the unbending smirk of the tattered lawn chair reminds you of the birth of your words, echoed in silence and magnified by the PTSD you will never recover from because your mind reminds you of how close pre-traumatic stress is blazing through the drawn curtains of your shaken heart and jittery pulses of neuotic blood pumps normally but your synapses won’t let you interfere. But you paid a lot of soul cash for these moments – you wouldn’t change a thing anyway (would you? could you?); your life is about to begin – any second now – you can feel it…
The air suspiciously reeks of cherry wheat ale and fresh factory plastic; winter is far away and so are you. Like every sunrise you slept through. Like each bad habit you enjoyed. Like me.
The time arrived again. You vill sit and you vill enjoy it.
You will mind your manners just like I told you.
You can’t seem to get out of your head, even though we told you, “There’s nothing to worry about.” Or when we said, “Relax, just calm down.” Or your favorite, “Don’t worry. You worry to much. You need to stop that.”
You wonder why you didn’t tell them the truth. Your truth is that this is not your favorite summer. You aren’t worried about anything and no one gets it because they are not aware that their wise words will change you. If one more person tells you that you’ve got to stop worrying, you may not be able to explain to them why because they are ignorant and self-righteous – they are not not not trying to help you – they are saying those words that make you want to die because you are anxious and you live with it every day and every moment you pray to be calm (even for ONE day), but you nod and hope you will die because you can’t survive surrounded by fear. “Don’t worry,” and you say in return, “OH! I will stop worrying right now! Good idea, fcuk-face! I forgot that I could just turn off chronic anxiety disorder! Silly me!” Of course, then your heart would palputate terminally. That will teach those calm assholes.
Your friends didn’t call, text, email, didn’t leave you a message in a bottle, didn’t meet you by the rocky beach. Seismic waves.
No smoke came from the chimney.
This is not your perfect weather. Please hold your breath as the thermal nuclear radiator opens its doors.
Um. It really depends on whether there is a change in the weather. Take a seat. You are brilliant, except today. Today your brilliance has been replaced by radiance.
Every word (sound) is a vibration, every vibration controls and sustains the universe.
Below has nothing to do with the unfinished entry above.
Readers: The article/sales pitch below is __________ and more infuriating than _________ and this dude must be __________ and ____________. Please read it and send me your reactions/responses. I found this site to be as hilarious as it is insulting to semi-educated people everywhere.
Unless it works. If so let me know and burn me a copy. Hehehehe.
Good night, moon….
The article below is from this site: http://www.hypnosisdownloads.com
Overcome the Fear of Going Mad
Going crazy, insane, mad, nuts, losing it and going loco. There are many ways to express what happens to the human mind when it is stressed. But we often talk about madness or craziness when we really mean just stressed out. True madness is something else. And fear of madness or going crazy happens often when people just don’t truly understand what true madness is and how much they can do for themselves to feel better and more sane.
Fear of going mad can be terrifying. Having a sense of control is so important and people everywhere fear ‘losing it’ and going mad. We all behave irrationally sometimes but when we start to feel overwhelmed it’s easy to fear going mad or ‘crazy.’
It’s important to know that just about everyone has seriously thought they were going mad at some time or another.
Maybe there is someone in your family who had emotional difficulties and you fear that it will happen to you just because it happened to them. Having emotional problems isn’t the same as ‘being mad’.
What does ‘mad’ mean?
Madness means ‘psychotic’ which is a disorder in which people hallucinate visual images or sounds or even smells. During proper psychosis the contents which originate from within the mind seem to originate from outside of the mind to the point at which the person experiencing the psychosis really believes that images and sounds produced by their imaginations are actually produced by the environment. We all experience this when we dream at night-we believe that our dreams are real when we are dreaming them. The psychotic person dreams whilst awake and believes these ‘dreams’ or hallucinations to be real.
In fact the human brain is designed to simulate reality and make imagination seem real. During dreaming your brain simulates images, sounds and other sensations. It does this in a controlled way. So dreaming is controlled ‘reality simulation’ and psychosis is uncontrolled reality simulation. In order for psychosis (madness) to be happening you’d need to believe that hallucinations weren’t hallucinations but in fact real.
This happens in an uncontrolled way during waking consciousness it is seen as madness if the person believes the hallucinations to be real and starts to act on them.
People can hallucinate without being crazy.
We might describe someone as ‘mad’ or ‘crazy’ because they experience strong anger or anxiety and, indeed, any strong emotion makes us irrational but this is not the same as madness.
Of the 1% of the population who do ‘go mad’ (have a psychotic episode) many of them will go on to live normal healthy lives having just had the one ‘break down’ so even people who do experience ‘madness’ at some point don’t necessarily become mad forever. They move on from it.
We all have needs in life which, when they are fulfilled, make us feel more normal and ‘sane.’ This session will describe some of those needs so you can begin to see what you really need to feel better and more settled in your own mind.
Strong emotions make us irrational
Being irrational is caused by strong emotions – this isn’t madness just irrationality and confusion brought on by strong emotion. When the emotion calms down the rationality comes back.
There are things you can do to make you feel more ‘sane’ one of which is to calm the emotional part of the mind down by regular and deep relaxation and comfort.
This session will help you relax so deeply which is a wonderful way of calming the emotional mind. It will reassure you that you can have control and that your mind has a very clear center to it that can look after your best interests.
Download Overcome Fear of Going Crazy and regain confidence in your own mind.
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