Sometimes, if yer lucky, your resume just writes itself……


“My Resume”
by Wendy N. Clark
fictional account of pragmatic humanist trying to revise a resume and getting angry….

“From now on we are all responsible. And accomplices.”
Elsie Wiesel

Wendy N. Clark
wch@denied.hmpf


Objective:

My objective to obtain the position at the company for which I am sending you my resume. My intent is to give you – in objective terms (keywords) why I match your criteria and likely want to be an employee (i.e., contract, temp, permanent, temp-to-hire, freelance, etc.) for the position at your organization which I am sending you my resume as you requested.

As I have been researching in my four-ish month quest for a good job, the search starts here (unless you have already determined that I am not the one… based on our ratio of “k2k”© : keywords to keywords search mentality. It’s like a dating service DMBMS and a QTFU match? Any reason to read on? K2k is my latest soon to be famous acronym in yet another bad investment of time. My other objective is to be less unsubjective. Also, I would like to remember jokes and people’s names, in addition to having the most controversial super power of our time: The Ability to Stop Time. Time is subjective, though, so I simply would like to object to time (especially in the use of translating the subjunctive to high school students and many adults and the anti-subjunctive coalitions). Stop the tyranny! Come home or go home – Make good choices!

Profile:
Pragmatic optimistic English graduate, writer, musician, lyricist, guitarist, recovering high school teacher; learner and teacher, writer and editor, creator and enthusiast. Self-taught. Self-described. Smart. Damn smart. …Bored, damn it…. I seek a job with people who learn and teach and get ‘er done. Denver-area. Please: no hard drugs, addicts, or bigots. No BS. Must only have a BA. Any further educational pursuits shall not be discussed with the employer or candidate until both feel secure in their relationship to speak freely.

Non-Skills!
(Non-skills will help you weed me out based on what you didn’t find your keyword search; these are skills that you didn’t find on my resume because they have been disqualified as something you should waste your or my time calling, writing, testing me, interviewing me; also non-skills are for you to reference pending my rejection, ie, let’s play this game or forget it – just because I have a list of skills and some shiny keywords doesn’t mean you need to bother with them if I don’t have a few that are required. I believe that if they are not in the skills section of one’s resume, don’t assume to resume your pursuit of the non-skilled person you are about to call.)

My list of skills and non-skills is organic. I learn and unlearn and relearn just like you…. All the time…..

“Objective — something that one’s efforts are intended to attain or accomplish; a goal, target, or purpose; a formal, written statement of what a learner will be able to do as a result of instruction; a set of objectives constitutes the “blueprint” for instructional design.” John W. Eshleman, Ed.D. Direct URL:

Lack skills in writing resumes successfully, cover letters lack overall representation of my intentions, perception of my interviewing skills are lacking in proficiency – for example, when I am asked a loaded question which will ultimately determine my fate usually I have a 50/50 chance but always get it wrong.

Computer Buzz Language – Acronym Overload Linguistical Assembly Language (AOLaL) – institutional discourse or the degeneration of consistent implementation and communication through meta-power consumer-cultured management systems which ignore traditional, concise, meaningful expression (to communicate through words – oral and written to understand another person’s idea), ASP+, SQL, .NET (though it may not actually exist….), Solitiare, Pinball, and I boycott all use of MS Works except for the .dlls.
Single-tasking, Telemarketing, Sales, 10-key, Call Center – but I haven’t investigated that completely – and accounting.

Total lack of sense of direction – by genetic default. Reaching items on top shelves. Remaining calm around spiders and bumblebees.

Skills:
Everything else I listed on my other resume(s).

Education (*note – changes made recently)
08/1991 – 12/1994 The Florida State University
Bachelor’s Degree – English Literature and Creative Writing, Minor: Psychology

08/2005 – Yesterday. Not helping me get a gig.
Was pursuing a Master’s in __________________. But now have no interest in ________________. Really. I am serious…..

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