Saturday, June 03, 2006
Today Current mood: Lost and found
Today is the first day of the rest of your series of other first days of your life. You always can be uncertain whether or not you have this particular day to begin again. You always may be certain that you will always be uncertain. You start planning immediately; you have an unmeasured time allotted for this interpretation of the state of your fixation. You sit in front of whatever clever type of technology or paper or sticky-note system which provides you with the encouragement to begin your plan. But after a few scribbles and a change in barometric pressure, you decide that you have accomplished a decent amount of planning, just by the act of starting to think about planning. Then you walk into your backyard to see if there is enough gas in the lawn mower to do a few rows, and your phone rings.
The silence on the other end of your line is intolerable, so you utter a short sequence of charming un-thank yous and you realize that you have to call your friend in Chicago who is sick and could be dying; meanwhile your guitar looks like it needs to be played. You cant figure out a chord, so you pick up the remote but nothing is on except your loves favorite show, which you cant watch be cause this is the first day of the rest of your year, and so you think about ordering a pizza but your debit card is downstairs and the cat just puked and the ice has already melted in your class.
You walk around in circles until you decide its not worth it and maybe the tag phrase should be today is the last day of your life but that seems psychologically unhealthy and you need to sleep it off.
Any challenges you open your sleepy eyes to are self-imposed. For instance, you must own your own mind. You cant always control it, but you have got to own it. You have to obey or disobey its compulsions, and you have to accept its troubles and randomizations. You cant organize it, but you can know the danger of its capacity to scramble and ramble. You can tell yourself many things you want to believe, but unless you compromise with it, your intentions wont be articulated as obligations. You have to be consistent, impressionistic, reasonable, adjustable, and playful. No one can think for oneself without wandering about some madness, and at times madness may be the purpose, the map, the ambiguity that makes all challenges the exact electricity which makes your minds universe.
So! Before you retrace your steps, either find the nearest exit or forgive yourself for thinking that you are completely capable of withstanding any retrospection. We all have a certain level of faith and love for ourselves, but we hesitate to remember (time after time) that our minds love is unrequited at times.
I found myself today. I found myself yesterday. Dont worry about how or where or why. You need to worry about yourself. I am in good standing with myself. I dont know how you see me, but I need you to look at yourself instead of me. I am lost and found, and the circle will never be unbroken.
Ask yourself questions; but believe nothing you say is universal truth. Again, I dont know how you see me, I only see what I ask of you to see me as, and I ask you to see me without judgment, without pity, without expectations; I will in turn see you just as I see myself. I will see a conjunction of suggestion, a highway overlooking the inexactness which I gander and gather, and I will speak no evil, see no evil, nor hear no evil. I will tell myself to have an open mind, an unspoken heart, and a thousand broken souls unnerving me at every moment I let myself go. I will obey and deceive while I coincide and conflict. I will not hurt you any more or less unless I am hurting. But, thats me. I will listen, confide, retreat, capture, release, stalk, haunt, freak, steal, believe, deny, accuse, refuse, abuse, lose, win, practice, preach, reach, storm, mourn, shock, fall, get up, fall again, risk, gamble, promise, forget, relive, regret, write, ask, answer, explain, walk away, run away, stumble back, call, hang up, create, criticize, speculate, spit it out, move, stay, fear, hope, play, work, tumble, crumble, relive, revive, listen, whisper, break, shake, ache, take, fake, love, shove, test, quiz, examine, graduate, imitate, cringe, cry, die, believe, remind, reconsider, reconsider, reconsider, reconsider, prove, contend, mend, bend, reason, rationalize, agonize, plead, please, smile, agree, follow, lead, rock, roll, and rest. I will be on my own side of my mind, the inside of whats truly only mine, and I will have to be patient until you find me there: for you and I will celebrate your own story.
What are you going to do to make yourself feel real?
2:30 AM – 1 Comments – 2 Kudos – Add Comment – Edit – Remove
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Beside(s) Myself Current mood: restless Category: Writing and Poetry
They groan and I acknowledge both nothing and lack thereof; I nudge the steel door open with my shoulder slowly, and instantly entertained the idea of perhaps joining a gym/health-club-type thing when I returned home; I considered this because a ten-year old had pushed this door open earlier with her pinky finger and I felt weak and trapped within wacky Hot Ville. But when I stepped into the night air, all was the same opposite. Two weeks went by in twenty seconds. I opened my eyes outside of every heavy, tedious door which I would ever open. I lost and let go of it all before I know I had ever gained it of kept any of it all I was thinking my thoughts were on you baby. While it was that my thoughts of you were in me; I was surrounded magnificently and I wandered in my soul as I quite possibly encircled my self.
Could have melted right there in this sweltering ocean of humidity, this heavy evening atmosphere seemed, at the moment, that this twilight is what I know; all of my life broken and rebuilt: mended, tailored, and hemmed. My sore eyes sight fell towards the now and I accepted this unfamiliar paradox of being in this place, simultaneously wishing I was anywhere else but here, and I was so beside myself that I was within it all all of the epic epiphanies which I could summon to stomach, ingest, digest; I felt this territory was mine, maybe because you had instilled such insight: within me, without me, about me.
Sometimes I wonder if others mind so much mental chaos as I; I wonder if they possess it, repress it, admit it, avoid it; of it their heads arent as mindful as mine. I think that I think too much, too rapidly, too randomly, too unsequentially, and at times I wish I didnt. But after chaotically analyzing these matters, happily I realize I would not change a thing. Hell, I likely -can’t- change a thing.
2:52 PM – 0 Comments – 0 Kudos – Add Comment – Edit – Remove
Sunday, April 30, 2006
No Stategies Category: Writing and Poetry
Any way you look at it, I had made a bad decision; thus again resulting in the cause of the The mistakes caused more were the cause and effect
Bad choices were becoming a way of life for me. Cody knew me better than anyone, so I blame him for my most recent mistake.
Drought looks like it might be the worst one in years, says he.
Eat your supper and let your brother do the thinking, baby, mom said to me, not looking at me watching Cody suspiciously. Fat chance, I thought, not really sure what that meant, though it was my favorite phrases lately.
Good ideas always came to me in times of trouble, but I didnt have no strategies in the common sense area, as my ma and Cody always told me. Hell with them, I thought. I had remembered thinking I could outwit them in the past so many times, just like this exact situation. Jesus is on my side; I folded my napkin and wiped the beads of sweat off my brow.
Knowing how clever I was, I snuck out into the barn at dusk with my plan, my intellect, a garden hose, and two packs of matches. Lightning was off to the east nearby town, but I knew it was just the dry lightning that didnt bring rain in this heated season. My judgment couldnt be flawed this time; I had thought this through for at least a half an hour after supper.
Now, I could make my way.
1:49 PM – 0 Comments – 0 Kudos – Add Comment – Edit – Remove
Saturday, April 08, 2006
You. Current mood: sympathetic Category: Yes Games
After speaking to Mel, I decided to quit erasing my entries; this is a repost. Or an unpost that I am reposting….
I am so damn happy.
If you have ever been to Denver, you would know that the altitude changes elements of nature. For instance, water comes to a boil more slowly, beer goes to your head more quickly, taking the stairs is twice as tedious as it would be at sea level, and water becomes a necessary liquid to have on hand all of the time. People seem taller here, there are less lefties, a lot of conservatives, and the occurrence of prostate cancer and multiple sclerosis are the highest in the country. The mountains are 30 minutes away or less, people drive like total idiots, and the laid-back attitude may cause you to get beat up. The weather is static, employment is optional, procrastination pays off.
Sometimes, here in the city, we take to ourselves, laugh at ourselves, find ecstasy in chaos, and give up on giving up.
I am a liar and a thief. I am a beggar and a chooser. I just upgraded myself from Version 1.5 to 100,000,000.00. No need to upgrade till everyone else catches up. Unless I get bored. Unless you get bored. Boredom fades, though.
Do you remember the day your life imploded and you woke up on the side of the sun? Come with me; I will tell you all about it on the way up, kids…
Be true to yourself (Shakespeare). You have all the time in the world. Shock wears off. Sometimes faster than sunscreen. I wouldn’t lie to you.
You have all the time in the world.
1:19 PM – 1 Comments – 2 Kudos – Add Comment – Edit – Remove
Eric Shiveley’s Movie
If you have any love in your heart at all, check out Eric’s new movie trailers which he is letting us be a part of:I think I look like a rock star and a semi-tortured artist; this is my newest project – in addition, of course, to my other projected semi-projects.